so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
