1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
