Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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