I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
