That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
