DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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