I think my vagina is haunted
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize