Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
i was born a porn star she said
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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