Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
