Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
