burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
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