Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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