The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
