I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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