i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Sext me about skeletons
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
