How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
