drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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