if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
wakey wakey hands off snakey
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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