she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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