Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
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