So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
