I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
