I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
