For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
