Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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