Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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