you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
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