i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
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