I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
