Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Just pee around me
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
