A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
