u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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