Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Randomize
