I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
