my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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