Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Randomize
