I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
In other news, I just burned my penis
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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