i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
