His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I supernannyed him into submission
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
