What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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