Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
