Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
