who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I think your dad took our porno
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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