I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
