just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
