Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
You're breaking my sexual little heart
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
