my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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