It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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