Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
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