Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
