wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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