So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
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