Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
