I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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