got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
