She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
