Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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