This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
