i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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