I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
