So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I'm determined to sit on that face.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
