well you can't waste a boner
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
